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College mascots tend to range from the stereotypical to embarrassing. In my own experience, it’s tended to be the latter. My high school team, the highly questionable Bellarmine Bells, had a mascot called the Bellarman. Literally, a giant bell with a mean face. Not exactly fear-inducing.

Then at NYU, our team name was the Violets. And strangely, the mascot was a bobcat (shown here with bedroom eyes). Don’t ask me why. At least it wasn’t the Olsen Twins. So for everyone who shares in the shameful heritage of bad mascots, here are the weirdest ones in college sports.

UC Santa Cruz gives hippies too much power

Santa Cruz’s local unshaven hippies take their subversive ways a little too far with the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs, ferociously represented by their mascot, Sammy the Slug. Reader’s Digest named it the best college mascot in the country. Although the banana slug does have no known predators and is vital to it’s redwood ecosystem, I cannot in good conscience agree with their decision. (Secret weakness: salty food.)

The Campbell University Fighting Cancers

Campbell University’s mascot has the unfortunate distinction of having multiple layers of embarrassment. Not only is he a lasting symbol of the cigarette industry’s attempts to subliminally influence children to smoke, he has also been cursed with the extremely unfortunate name “Gaylord the Camel.”

The Western Kentucky University… Um… I have no idea

Western Kentucky University’s “Big Red” (shown above, posing for Playgirl Magazine) is big and red. There isn’t much more to say about him.

Please spend more money on your mascot’s costume, Stanford

Stanford University, please stop trying to deflect criticism by saying this is your band mascot. You’re not fooling anyone. Your team name is the Cardinal (not the bird, the color). Your mascot is this godawfully ugly tree. It’s had many incarnations over the years, each as ugly as the next. And here he is committing a felony. Bad form for a representative of one of the nation’s top academic schools.

The Syracuse Kool-Aid Man

Profile of Otto the Orange (courtesy of official Syracuse University website): Half-Orange, Half-man, All-Sex Symbol. Closely resembles Rush Limbaugh after an nightlong prescription drug bender. Works well at basketball games, confusing at football games.

We Get it, Wichita State. You like farming.

I don’t know who’s idea it was to make a bundle of wheat the school mascot. He’s not even one thing. He’s a group of things… but he has one consciousness? I can’t deal with the philosophical implications of this mascot. Plus his face creeps me out. A lot.

Count Choculas goes to St. Louis University?

What exactly is a billiken? Alien? Vampire? Other? Whatever the hell it is, it’s weird.

The George Mason University Copyright Infringements

Hmm… Where have I seen this guy before? Didn’t he used to play in the Chuck E. Cheese band?

Ohio State, buy a dictionary then buy the mascot costume

A quick glance at wikipedia tells me that the Buckeyes are named for the state tree of Ohio. So what the hell is this, Ohio State? Compared to this, Big Red makes perfect sense as a mascot.

What the fuck is a Geoduck?

That rhymes! But this video is great. Evergreen State University’s Geoduck.

Even more weird ones…

• Not another farming one… The Delta State University Fighting Okra. Note to Delta State: Okra is not physically capable of fighting.
• Grays Harbor College’s Charlie Choker. When a serial killer is your school mascot, it might be time to fire the head of your athletics department.
• Texas Christian University’s Superfrog the Horned Frog. The horniest thing to hit this Christian University in many, many years.
• New rule: No mascots chosen for reasons related to farming. University of Arkansas at Monticello’s Boll Weevil. (Boll Weevils attack cotton crops. Oh no!!!)
• School: University of Alabama. Team name: Crimson Tide. Mascot: Big Al the Elephant (apparently they couldn’t afford to stuff his trunk).

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